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(fic) Hallelujah
Quite some time ago, in one discussion of Saiyuki Gaiden, someone (I totally can't remember who) mentioned the idea of Goku getting his memories of his time in heaven back, and speculated about the effects it would have on him. The idea stuck with me, and in the last few days it grabbed hold of me and this is what tumbled out. Unbeta'd, and heavily influenced by Rufus Wainwright's music, I have no idea about the quality of this fic, but the idea just wouldn't go away until I wrote it. :)
I.
I’ve heard there was a secret chord
That David played to please the lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?
It goes like this: the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing hallelujah
An endless sea of dust. That was all there was to look at as they drove. Goku sagged in his seat and slumped against the side of the Jeep. He tried to occupy himself with looking around, especially since Sanzo had threatened him with dire physical consequences if he made any more noise, but there was nothing to see. Not anymore, anyway. At least when they’d first started on their journey, there had been plenty to look at: lots of towns and farmland, and forests filled with animals and trees brimming with ripe fruit. But as they progressed further west, all of that had disappeared. All they saw anymore was a flat barren stretch of sand between tiny towns that seemed to be getting fewer and farther between. Goku wanted to ask questions, like how they were going to get food when there weren’t any more towns, and how they’d manage when it seemed like there was nothing but sand surrounding them, and how they’d even know when they made it to India anyway, but he kept his mouth shut. Sanzo’s temper was even shorter than usual, and it was too hot to try and dodge bullets.
Gojyo was sprawled in the seat next to him, leaning back drowsily, and Hakkai was quietly focused on driving. Goku shifted in his seat. Days like this weren’t any fun; they were just boring. It seemed like they were becoming more and more common, too. Everyone was tired all the time now, weary of the constant drudgery of traveling all day, fighting, traveling some more, falling into bed (if they were lucky enough to stay at a town) and then getting up to do it again. They didn’t talk as much as they used to, and Goku noticed a tension between the four of them that he didn’t think had been there before. Instead of relaxing after a fight, they seemed more tense, more tired, more angry. It bothered Goku. That wasn’t how fighting was supposed to be. It was supposed to be fun, it was supposed to be exciting. Not this grim, mechanical process.
The problem was, Goku thought, no one seemed happy anymore. Gojyo and Hakkai didn’t smile much these days. Hakkai didn’t ask Goku to do the shopping with him and read books with him anymore. Gojyo wouldn’t play-fight and tease with him. Sanzo was the worst. He was almost always tense, but he used to relax a little, at least occasionally. Sometimes, when it was quiet he would unwind just a bit. He’d let Goku persuade him to go outside and look at the blossoms on the fruit trees, or listen to Goku chatter about what he’d done that day. Now, any suggestion that he appreciate nature was met with an expression of condescension and the question what do you think there is to look at?. When Goku tried to talk to him, Sanzo would give him and icy glare and snap, not now, monkey. Goku had always wanted Sanzo to be happier, more relaxed, but now he seemed to be going in the other direction, getting angrier and more impatient. The creases on his brow, the darkness in his eyes grew. It depressed Goku.
Suddenly, there was a faint roar off to the left. Goku lifted his head off his arm and looked up. There was a cloud of dust growing some distance off to the side, and it appeared to be getting closer. The others seemed to have noticed. Jeep’s speed slackened, and when Goku turned she saw the others staring in the same direction. “Sandstorm?” Gojyo murmured, craning his neck slightly at he stared. The cloud seemed to grow denser and darker.
“I don’t think so,” Hakkai said, and suddenly Goku could see forms appearing in the dust. They seemed to be rapidly approaching. “Ah,” said Hakkai, and his voice sounded tired. “Well. Should we stay and fight then?” The cloud loomed closer, some of the dust slipping away until Goku could clearly make out the shadowed forms of the approaching youkai.
“Might as well,” Sanzo muttered, flicking his cigarette. “No sense in trying to outrun them.” He had already drawn his gun. Hakkai brought Jeep to a screeching stop, and they all climbed out, facing the youkai. Goku dropped to the sand, and heard it crunch faintly under his feet. He thought he should feel pleased at the opportunity. He was bored, and now here was something to do. And he liked fighting so much, he was always glad when there was a chance for a battle.
But something felt wrong. There was a sour, poisonous energy pouring off the youkai. For a minute, the air around it seemed to melt, blurring its shape until the enemy looked like a giant reflecting pool. Energy crackled at the perimeters. Goku hesitated, holding back.
“Magic,” Sanzo muttered, studying the blurred, twisted form of the youkai. “Watch yourselves.” It was the closest he’d come to telling them to be careful.
The youkai loomed a few feet away from them, flickering, changing shape. Goku couldn’t tell if it was just one youkai or more, it was impossible to get a proper look at it. The air felt hotter than it had been before, and Goku reached up to wipe a trickle of sweat off his forehead before summoning Nyo-bo.
“Well,” Hakkai said, sounding a little more lively. “Shall we?”
It was all the encouragement any of them seemed to need. They spread out carefully and quickly, and cleaved into the blurring mass. They’d fought beside each other for so long they knew how to work together when they needed too. They were familiar with the way each other fought. Goku liked that. He could easily picture Gojyo slicing away with his blade, and Hakkai firing off bursts of chi, and Sanzo shooting, without even having to look at them.
Still, that didn’t make the initial moment when they broke away from each other and surged into the fight any less strange or disorienting. Sometimes, when they first stepped into battle, Goku had a strange urge to turn around and make sure they were all still there, that he wasn’t alone, caught in a tiny world with just him and his enemies. He didn’t know why, and he didn’t think on it much. But sometimes, when he just couldn’t help himself, he looked. Just to make sure.
He couldn’t look this time, though. Diving into the fighting, pushing into the youkai’s strange blurred surroundings, was like wading through honey. The sounds of the world buzzed dimly around him, but they seemed oddly muted.
Goku struggled, shoving hard against the strange power that surged around him and felt it give. He pushed back and tried to hit the formless shape in front of him, but it went through like it was air. He felt a pulse from the being, almost amusement.
He tried to step back, tried to look and find his enemy, because at least if he could see it he’d know what to hit. There was a flash of something, a momentary solidification, and Goku lashed out. He felt a hard pulse of contact and an angry flare from the whatever-it-was. The air around him seemed to close in suddenly, crushing him, and there was a bright, bright light and a flash of gold. And then suddenly, everything went black.
II.
Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to her kitchen chair
She broke your throne, she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the hallelujah
It was so bright. Everything was glistening like sugar on a pastry, sparkling and glittering brighter than anything Goku had seen before. It filled his sight, the light searing and burning until Goku wanted to close his eyes or turn away, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t do anything, couldn’t even move, and for just a minute he was afraid. And then before he had a chance to think about anything or even start panicking, the light dimmed and softened, and Goku could see again.
There was a beautiful garden and a sprawling palace, prettier than any building Goku had seen before. He’d never much liked any sorts of buildings, preferring to be outside in the sun where he could see the sky and breathe the fresh air, but he liked this place as soon as he saw it. Everything seemed clean, absolutely pristine, the sort of place he wouldn’t be allowed to play in because he was too clumsy and reckless and would only mess it up. But it was bright and beautiful, and Goku wanted to reach out and touch it, just to see if it was real.
There was a pond in front on him with fat glittering fish swimming lazily in the warm water. Goku dropped into a crouch and poked a finger into the water, brushing it along the scaly-smooth side of the fish. It flickered its tail at him before darting off to the other side of the pond. Goku flicked the water off his fingers before looking up, squinting at the buildings.
They were tall and impressive, elaborately done, and felt somehow both foreign and familiar at once. He was aware suddenly that he didn’t know where he was. He had a dim memory of being someplace else, doing something else, but he had forgotten what it was.
Goku squinted up at the sky and shoved his hands into his pockets. He was pretty sure whatever he had been doing was important, and he was pretty sure he hadn’t meant to end up here, where ever here was. But whenever he tried to grasp at the memories they slipped away, like the fish in the pond when he’d touched it. That too was achingly, frustratingly familiar, the feeling that there was something important he was supposed to remember, but couldn’t. But Goku couldn’t remember anything, let alone why the feeling was familiar.
He dug his toe in the dirt, and looked hopefully up at the sparkling buildings. Someone up there might know what was wrong, what he was forgetting. They might even know how to fix it, and why he thought maybe he’d been in this place before. Goku plodded up the small hill and found the door that led to a deep hallway into the building. He walked down it carefully.
There were people in the building, lots of them, but none of them looked at Goku when he crept through the hall slowly. None of them even glanced at him as he walked, trying to find something that looked even remotely familiar. He had an odd feeling that he was looking for someone, someone he should know here who would help him. He tried to follow that thought, tried to tug it into the open and figure out exactly who he needed, but it was no use. The best he could get was a flash of golden hair, bright as the sun that made his heart stop suddenly, and made him stop breathing.
There was someone, someone he was looking for. Or someone he was waiting for. But it didn’t matter, there was someone. Goku calmed a little, and slowed his step which had become slightly frantic. Surely if there was someone he was looking for, there was someone that was looking for him. They would find him, and it would be all right. Goku relaxed a bit.
Still, he thought, as he looked around the clean white hall with the clean, neat people walking back and forth, he could look for them too. Maybe they would find each other faster that way.
With renewed determination, Goku set off. He didn’t bother to try and figure out where to go, just plodded along and let his feet take him wherever they thought he should go. He knew, he felt, that he had walked these halls before. There was something there that he knew how to find.
There was a flash of something at the edge of his vision, and Goku turned and saw a man walking down the hall. Something surged inside him, a call rising up in his throat before he stopped. He stared at the man. He was tall, with dark, spiky hair, and dark jacket, and a bottle of something slung at his hip. He knew that man. For a minute, he’d almost had it. The words had been on his tongue, he’d almost voiced the man’s name. He’d almost shouted out to him, friendly and familiar, and for a minute Goku could picture the man turning, his easy, casual gait slowing. He could picture the man grinning, and calling back out to him.
But the man was walking away now, and Goku had to run to keep up with him. The man didn’t turn, and Goku realized that his feet didn’t make any sound as they slapped against the stone floor. Still no one looked at him as he ran pell-mell through the neat and tidy halls, and Goku had the sudden feeling that he was watching a dream, or a play, something where no one else could see him or touch him. The thought alarmed him. He needed to find the person he was looking for, and maybe this man could help him, even if he couldn’t talk to him. Maybe the man could lead him somehow. Goku ran faster.
The man reached a door and opened it, sticking his head inside. Goku caught up to him, and slowed until he stopped right behind the man. He wondered why he didn’t just go into the room. When the man finally opened the door, though, Goku could see why. Books spilled over every available surface, blocking the door and covering the floor. The man carefully picked his way in, and Goku hung in the door, puzzled. He’d been here too, he was sure of it. There was someone here, someone Goku dimly remembered as being nice to him. Not the special person he was looking for, but close. He was getting closer.
Goku finally saw the man inside the room, the one the other man was looking for, sprawled at a chair. He had long dark hair and a white coat, and he was busily reading a scroll. He didn’t look up when the spiky-haired-man entered. A cigarette was turning to ash on a forgotten tray beside him. Spiky-hair-man smiled at him at said something, and long-hair-man looked up with an expression on vague surprise and smiled back. They began to talk, but Goku couldn’t understand what they were saying. The words blurred together into something strange and foreign. Goku pulled away in fear and confused, stepping back. He was no closer to finding what he was looking for. They couldn’t help him anyway, Goku knew it somehow.
He stumbled hesitantly out of the room. He didn’t want to leave them, the only things that seemed familiar about this strange place, but he was still looking for something, and it was more important. He walked aimlessly for a while, before heading back to the pool he’d first stood in front of when he’d come, not knowing where else to go.
There was someone in the courtyard. Goku stopped when he saw him, and froze. He didn’t know whether to stay still or run to him, and for a moment he stayed frozen, unsure. The man stood with his back to Goku, but Goku saw the bright golden hair spilling down his back. His heart leap and his soul felt like it was going to burst. It was him. It was the person he was waiting for.
The man turned suddenly. He saw Goku, and smiled faintly. Goku knew his face, and his excitement surged. This was who he had been waiting for.
He fairly ran to the man’s side, and looked up at him. He didn’t know what to say, and no words seemed enough to describe the joy he was feeling. He felt as if, whatever happened after this, it was worth it. This was more than he could have hoped for. The man smiled, and put a hand on his head.
There was another flash, and the gold from the man’s hair seemed to spill out in all directions, covering Goku’s vision with a blinding, but painless light. The man’s form had disappeared, but Goku could still feel him there, could feel his hand on Goku’s head. He knew, all of a sudden. He knew, and all he could think as the light grew brighter and brighter was, You found me. And then it was all gone.
III.
Maybe I’ve been here before
I know this room, I’ve walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah
Reality crashed in, smashing against his brain like the rock he was born from. It hurt so badly he could only stay curled up on the stone floor, afraid to look or speak or move, afraid of setting off another wave of crushing pain. He whimpered in agony and confusion, as new-old knowledge tore through his mind, upsetting everything and turning it all upside down. When the pain finally subsided, he looked up and peered around trying to sort out where he was and why he was somewhere else again without knowing how he got there.
All he could see were bars and stone and a tiny, agonizing patch of sky that hurt so badly because he knew he could only see it and never touch it. He knew where he was, and he knew that this was a place he’d been trapped in a long time ago. But the difference was that this time, he knew. He remembered.
He screamed.
If the loneliness and not-knowing had been terrible before, it was torture now. He knew, he remembered, and for a horrible minute all he could taste was the fear. They were gone, he’d lost them, and he didn’t know if he could go on.
And then he realized he had to go on, that there was no choice. He was in here and he’d stay in here, always and forever, until the stars rained down from the heavens and whatever power had made this prison had vanished. He was here again, and there was no way out, and he knew what he was missing this time. He knew what he had lost, something he’s have given anything, absolutely anything to keep. The last time had been bad, he remembered that now. But his pains had been trivial. He’d been hungry and cold and lonely, yes, so lonely. But he hadn’t understood the meaning of the loneliness, hadn’t really understood that it could be any other way, that this pain could be eased. Now he did. All he could think was that ignorance had been bliss.
Now, he didn’t care about the cold or the gnawing hunger in his stomach. The only thing he cared about was the hunger in his chest, the desperation to get out if only to have what he’d had before.
He screamed and screamed until his throat was raw and he thought it would bleed, and his chest felt so empty he thought it would cave in on itself. He cried bitter tears. He begged for mercy, not knowing who he was speaking to anymore. Fate, the gods, anyone who would listen. He hadn’t meant to do anything wrong, he didn’t, couldn’t deserve this, anything but this. Please. Please.
No one listened. No one responded ever, and he stayed there day after day until the years and seasons blurred together and decades and centuries passed and the earth grew cool and black. Before he slipped into the blackness that awaited him, the cool, soothing embrace of the earth he’d come out of, he gave one final thought.
Please come find me.
IV.
There was a time you let me know
What’s real and going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
I remember when I moved in you
The holy dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah
When he woke it was in a cold dark room. Goku didn’t move at first, just lay still, breathing. The things he had learned, the memories that had exploded in his mind kept him frozen, disoriented. Once again, he didn’t know where he was, or how he’d gotten there, and for a moment that lack of knowledge was almost comforting, reassuring. It was one less thing to know, at least.
His eyes slowly adjusted to the lack of light, and Goku finally saw he was in the bedroom of a small inn. The window was cloaked with a thin, scratchy cloth, but there was sunlight behind it. He was curled on a small bed. The room was otherwise empty. Goku lay still for several seconds, just breathing, not wanting to move. Finally, though, he sat up, still feeling a compulsion to find out where he was. Before he could decide what to do, the door creaked open.
Hakkai stood in the doorway, carrying a small tray. He looked faintly surprised when he saw that Goku was a wake, but his expression soon melted into a smile. “Ah! You’re up? Good!” He walked over to Goku’s bedside and placed the tray on the nightstand before giving Goku a careful, considering look. “How are you feeling?”
Goku didn’t know how to answer that question. He barely knew how to speak to Hakkai, his mind disoriented enough that for a moment he had to think carefully about who was standing in front of him. Was it Ten-chan, the man who had been so kind to him and taught him, supported him even when it had cost him everything? Not quite, no. This was Hakkai, someone different, but still the same.
Goku felt tired, and wanted to close his eyes and sleep, and let his mind quiet. He didn’t know how to deal with the confusion and new thoughts swirling around in his mind, memories appearing as abruptly and painfully as they had disappeared.
“Okay,” he croaked, finally. He didn’t know what else to say. He thought about saying something else to Hakkai, but he couldn’t even wrap his own mind around his current predicament, much less try to put it into words. And the whole thing was so strange and confusing, Goku would have been afraid to ask anyway.
Hakkai looked a bit concerned, but smiled understandingly. “Ah, well. That’s good. Do you remember what happened?”
Goku shook his head. He couldn’t remember if he remembered, too many memories clamoring at the walls of his mind. He didn’t know which were real, couldn’t put them into any sort of order. It was easier to just let Hakkai tell him.
“You remember the youkai we fought? He had some strange powers, a sort of mind control apparently. We’re still not entirely sure, but Sanzo thinks he might have possessed some sort of telepathy. Whatever he did to you made you lose consciousness when you fought him.” Hakkai paused, before smiling a little. “We were really very worried!”
Goku nodded dumbly. It sounded familiar enough, and if he focused he could sift through his memories enough to get a good picture of the fight. The youkai made everything twist around him, and when he’d struck Goku he’d made everything go very light and then very dark.
“Everyone okay?” Goku asked faintly, when he remembered that the others had been there too. Gojyo and Sanzo were there too, not Ken-niichan and Konzen. For a minute Goku had to work hard to pull his memories of them apart and remember that they were individual people, not the same at all.
“Oh, yes, we’re all fine,” Hakkai assured him. “Sanzo was able to use the Maten sutra to defeat him, so everything is all right. We were just concerned about you. Of course, we didn’t know what he might have done to you, or what we could do to fix it. But you’re all right?” He looked at Goku rather critically, and Goku suspected he knew that Goku was holding something back. From his dizzying array of disjointed memories, Goku could extract the knowledge that Hakkai was very perceptive. So was Ten-chan, for that matter. Goku nodded anyway.
“Aa. I’m okay,” he tried to smile a little, to make it more believable, and rubbed the back of his head. “Just kind of took a knock, I guess.” The suspicion didn’t entirely vanish from Hakkai’s eyes, but it lessened, and he smiled at Goku again.
“Well, I’m glad. I’ll tell the others.” He paused, and gestured to the tray he’d brought in. I brought you some dinner. I’m sure you’re hungry.” He gave a little conspiratorial smile. Of course, Goku was always hungry. Except he wasn’t really, not right now.
Goku mustered up a smile anyway. “Thanks, Hakkai.” Hakkai nodded.
“After you eat, maybe you should get some sleep. We’re planning on leaving in the morning, if you’re feeling all right.”
“I’ll be okay,” Goku assured him, reaching to pull the tray onto the bed. “Thanks.” Hakkai nodded again, and left. Goku set the tray down on the bedspread, but didn’t touch it. He felt faintly sick, and definitely not hungry. It wasn’t a feeling he had much experience with. In the cave, he’d always been hungry, and even before that. But thinking too much on those things made his stomach go cold. He felt too full as it was, stuffed to the brim with thoughts and memories he couldn’t make any sense of. For once, Goku longed for a feeling of emptiness.
It almost made him laugh. For so long all he’d wanted was to feel full. It was the sort of thing Sanzo would have said, to be careful for what you wished for because you might get it.
Or was it Konzen who said that? Goku couldn’t remember, and was half-afraid to try. He pushed the tray away and curled on the bad, shutting his eyes tightly. Maybe if he slept, just for a while, it would all be all right when he woke.
V.
Maybe there’s a god above
And all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
And it’s not a cry you can hear at night
It’s not somebody who’s seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah
The next time he woke it was dark out. When he sat up and lifted the edge of the curtain, Goku could see the sky paling slightly with the coming dawn. The mornings in the desert were full of weak, thin light just barely touching the sky, turning it a soft orange. But as soon as the sun rose if grew hot and dusty, sweat making his clothes stick to his skin.
Goku didn’t know what time it was, or how long had passed since he’d fallen asleep. He didn’t even know how much time had passed since the fight. It seemed oddly appropriate that time should be so disordered now.
He felt calmer after he’d slept, though. He’d had long and vivid dreams, the memories seeping into his unconscious mind and controlling his thoughts even as he slept. But it had helped, strangely enough. His mind felt like it had reordered itself, and he could remember things more clearly now. His memories were less disorganized and more linear. It was a small comfort, but it did make things easier.
Goku stretched out on the bed once more, and rested his head on his arm. He could remember things clearly now, but now he had to figure out what he was going to do with his new memories. For so long he’d wanted so badly to remember what he’d lost. Even as he tried not to think about his life before he met Sanzo, when he was still trapped in the cave, he’d craved to know why he’d been there and what had happened before. There was a tremendous hole in his mind, and it ached sometimes. He didn’t know anything about himself. The only thing he knew for sure was that something had come before the cave, something that had been taken away.
Now he had his answer, but he didn’t know if he wanted it anymore. He knew what he had done, and he could remember things with painful clarity. He could smell the blossoms on the trees of heaven, if he focused closely enough. He remembered the juice of stolen fruit, and the way everything was so bright and clean. He remembered making his first friend, someone who was like him. He remembered losing that friend and the way it felt like his heart was being torn from his chest. He remembered blood spilled on white stone floors.
All of that was painful, agonizing, and confusing in its clarity. But it wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was remembering their faces. He could see them, too. He remembered what they looked like, how Ten-chan always smelled of cigarettes and new books, and Ken-niichan of sweat and sake. He had loved them so much, it had felt like they were a part of his soul, and when they’d gone away, he felt like he was split into pieces, never to be made whole unless he was with them again.
But he was in a way, wasn’t he? He didn’t know, and couldn’t quite understand. He could see echoes of Ken-niichan in Gojyo’s smile and the way he teased Goku, Ten-chan in Hakkai’s eyes and patient lessons. They weren’t the same person, that much Goku could be sure about, but that was all he was certain of. The memory of them was hard to pry apart from the people he knew now.
He dimly remembered Sanzo speaking at the temple about reincarnation, people’s souls living through life after life but still carrying certain memories and attributes. Goku wasn’t sure if that was what happened here. He didn’t know anything about things like that. He hadn’t learned anything about the ways of the Gods, even though he lived in heaven first, and a temple later on.
The only thing that mattered to him was that he’d lost the people he cared about. But maybe he’d gotten them back now. He though he might have, anyway. Even if they couldn’t remember anything, even if they weren’t exactly the same, maybe they sort of were.
Goku though he should ask Sanzo about it. Sanzo. Goku bit his lip and closed his eyes. Konzen had been so much like him it hurt to think about it. But it made him feel a slow, warm joy too, because Konzen had cared about him. He knew it. If Konzen had loved him, then maybe Sanzo did too. Sanzo had found him again, at any rate, had saved him twice and was even the one who had given Goku his name. Goku’s heart felt fit to burst at that knowledge. He’d lost Konzen, but Sanzo had returned for him.
Goku sat up suddenly, shuffling his feet off the bed. He wanted to see Sanzo right away, even if he couldn’t put into words why. He hurried over to the door and poked his head out, checking for any sign of where the others might be. There were other rooms near his, but he didn’t think Sanzo was there. He didn’t know why, but he thought he could feel Sanzo, somewhere else. He padded quickly down the halls, still cold from the desert night.
He carefully prodded open what he assumed to be the back door, and found himself upon the back patio of the inn. Sanzo leaned against one of the large posts stretching from floor to roof. He looked over when Goku opened the door. He flickered his eyes away when he saw it was Goku, and began sifting through his robes, apparently looking for cigarettes.
Goku shut the door and leaned against it, somehow both relieved and nervous. He watched Sanzo go through the familiar motions of locating his cigarettes and felt the tension in his chest slowly loosen.
“Hakkai said you were awake,” Sanzo commented offhandedly, not quite looking at Goku. He made a brief impatient sound, still looking for his pack of cigarettes. “You should know better than to try to beat through a force-field like that. You’re lucky that youkai didn’t scramble whatever brains you actually have.”
“Sorry,” Goku said faintly, but couldn’t help staring at Sanzo intently. His face, his hair, the robes. He’d often though Sanzo looked familiar somehow without knowing why. And he’d always been devoted to Sanzo, wanting to thank him and repay him for rescuing him from the cave. Now it seemed like he owed Sanzo more than ever. Something squeezed in his chest, and he couldn’t tell whether it hurt or not.
He had Sanzo, though. He was with him now, and he’d been with Konzen, too. Whatever he’d lost, this was worth it. Sanzo found his pack of cigarettes and looked up, caught Goku staring.
“What do you want, monkey?” Sanzo asked, plucking a cigarette from the box and putting it in his mouth while he searched for his lighter.
Goku stopped and thought about it. After a moment, he couldn’t stop a stupid grin from rising to his face. “Nothing,” he said. And he meant it. He had everything he wanted.
“Tch,” Sanzo muttered, finally locating his lighter and flicking it on. He lit his cigarette and took a drag before glancing over a Goku. He gave Goku an assessing look, for a minute looking briefly concerned before smoothing his expression back into one of indifference. “Go back to bed. And next time don’t charge stupidly into a fight like that.”
It was subtle, but the message was clear enough for Goku to understand. He was still smiling as he said, “Okay,” and turned to head back to his room.
It was okay. He was lucky. He’d lost them, but they’d come back for him, and Goku felt sure that if they needed to, they’d find him again.
I.
I’ve heard there was a secret chord
That David played to please the lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?
It goes like this: the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing hallelujah
An endless sea of dust. That was all there was to look at as they drove. Goku sagged in his seat and slumped against the side of the Jeep. He tried to occupy himself with looking around, especially since Sanzo had threatened him with dire physical consequences if he made any more noise, but there was nothing to see. Not anymore, anyway. At least when they’d first started on their journey, there had been plenty to look at: lots of towns and farmland, and forests filled with animals and trees brimming with ripe fruit. But as they progressed further west, all of that had disappeared. All they saw anymore was a flat barren stretch of sand between tiny towns that seemed to be getting fewer and farther between. Goku wanted to ask questions, like how they were going to get food when there weren’t any more towns, and how they’d manage when it seemed like there was nothing but sand surrounding them, and how they’d even know when they made it to India anyway, but he kept his mouth shut. Sanzo’s temper was even shorter than usual, and it was too hot to try and dodge bullets.
Gojyo was sprawled in the seat next to him, leaning back drowsily, and Hakkai was quietly focused on driving. Goku shifted in his seat. Days like this weren’t any fun; they were just boring. It seemed like they were becoming more and more common, too. Everyone was tired all the time now, weary of the constant drudgery of traveling all day, fighting, traveling some more, falling into bed (if they were lucky enough to stay at a town) and then getting up to do it again. They didn’t talk as much as they used to, and Goku noticed a tension between the four of them that he didn’t think had been there before. Instead of relaxing after a fight, they seemed more tense, more tired, more angry. It bothered Goku. That wasn’t how fighting was supposed to be. It was supposed to be fun, it was supposed to be exciting. Not this grim, mechanical process.
The problem was, Goku thought, no one seemed happy anymore. Gojyo and Hakkai didn’t smile much these days. Hakkai didn’t ask Goku to do the shopping with him and read books with him anymore. Gojyo wouldn’t play-fight and tease with him. Sanzo was the worst. He was almost always tense, but he used to relax a little, at least occasionally. Sometimes, when it was quiet he would unwind just a bit. He’d let Goku persuade him to go outside and look at the blossoms on the fruit trees, or listen to Goku chatter about what he’d done that day. Now, any suggestion that he appreciate nature was met with an expression of condescension and the question what do you think there is to look at?. When Goku tried to talk to him, Sanzo would give him and icy glare and snap, not now, monkey. Goku had always wanted Sanzo to be happier, more relaxed, but now he seemed to be going in the other direction, getting angrier and more impatient. The creases on his brow, the darkness in his eyes grew. It depressed Goku.
Suddenly, there was a faint roar off to the left. Goku lifted his head off his arm and looked up. There was a cloud of dust growing some distance off to the side, and it appeared to be getting closer. The others seemed to have noticed. Jeep’s speed slackened, and when Goku turned she saw the others staring in the same direction. “Sandstorm?” Gojyo murmured, craning his neck slightly at he stared. The cloud seemed to grow denser and darker.
“I don’t think so,” Hakkai said, and suddenly Goku could see forms appearing in the dust. They seemed to be rapidly approaching. “Ah,” said Hakkai, and his voice sounded tired. “Well. Should we stay and fight then?” The cloud loomed closer, some of the dust slipping away until Goku could clearly make out the shadowed forms of the approaching youkai.
“Might as well,” Sanzo muttered, flicking his cigarette. “No sense in trying to outrun them.” He had already drawn his gun. Hakkai brought Jeep to a screeching stop, and they all climbed out, facing the youkai. Goku dropped to the sand, and heard it crunch faintly under his feet. He thought he should feel pleased at the opportunity. He was bored, and now here was something to do. And he liked fighting so much, he was always glad when there was a chance for a battle.
But something felt wrong. There was a sour, poisonous energy pouring off the youkai. For a minute, the air around it seemed to melt, blurring its shape until the enemy looked like a giant reflecting pool. Energy crackled at the perimeters. Goku hesitated, holding back.
“Magic,” Sanzo muttered, studying the blurred, twisted form of the youkai. “Watch yourselves.” It was the closest he’d come to telling them to be careful.
The youkai loomed a few feet away from them, flickering, changing shape. Goku couldn’t tell if it was just one youkai or more, it was impossible to get a proper look at it. The air felt hotter than it had been before, and Goku reached up to wipe a trickle of sweat off his forehead before summoning Nyo-bo.
“Well,” Hakkai said, sounding a little more lively. “Shall we?”
It was all the encouragement any of them seemed to need. They spread out carefully and quickly, and cleaved into the blurring mass. They’d fought beside each other for so long they knew how to work together when they needed too. They were familiar with the way each other fought. Goku liked that. He could easily picture Gojyo slicing away with his blade, and Hakkai firing off bursts of chi, and Sanzo shooting, without even having to look at them.
Still, that didn’t make the initial moment when they broke away from each other and surged into the fight any less strange or disorienting. Sometimes, when they first stepped into battle, Goku had a strange urge to turn around and make sure they were all still there, that he wasn’t alone, caught in a tiny world with just him and his enemies. He didn’t know why, and he didn’t think on it much. But sometimes, when he just couldn’t help himself, he looked. Just to make sure.
He couldn’t look this time, though. Diving into the fighting, pushing into the youkai’s strange blurred surroundings, was like wading through honey. The sounds of the world buzzed dimly around him, but they seemed oddly muted.
Goku struggled, shoving hard against the strange power that surged around him and felt it give. He pushed back and tried to hit the formless shape in front of him, but it went through like it was air. He felt a pulse from the being, almost amusement.
He tried to step back, tried to look and find his enemy, because at least if he could see it he’d know what to hit. There was a flash of something, a momentary solidification, and Goku lashed out. He felt a hard pulse of contact and an angry flare from the whatever-it-was. The air around him seemed to close in suddenly, crushing him, and there was a bright, bright light and a flash of gold. And then suddenly, everything went black.
II.
Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to her kitchen chair
She broke your throne, she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the hallelujah
It was so bright. Everything was glistening like sugar on a pastry, sparkling and glittering brighter than anything Goku had seen before. It filled his sight, the light searing and burning until Goku wanted to close his eyes or turn away, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t do anything, couldn’t even move, and for just a minute he was afraid. And then before he had a chance to think about anything or even start panicking, the light dimmed and softened, and Goku could see again.
There was a beautiful garden and a sprawling palace, prettier than any building Goku had seen before. He’d never much liked any sorts of buildings, preferring to be outside in the sun where he could see the sky and breathe the fresh air, but he liked this place as soon as he saw it. Everything seemed clean, absolutely pristine, the sort of place he wouldn’t be allowed to play in because he was too clumsy and reckless and would only mess it up. But it was bright and beautiful, and Goku wanted to reach out and touch it, just to see if it was real.
There was a pond in front on him with fat glittering fish swimming lazily in the warm water. Goku dropped into a crouch and poked a finger into the water, brushing it along the scaly-smooth side of the fish. It flickered its tail at him before darting off to the other side of the pond. Goku flicked the water off his fingers before looking up, squinting at the buildings.
They were tall and impressive, elaborately done, and felt somehow both foreign and familiar at once. He was aware suddenly that he didn’t know where he was. He had a dim memory of being someplace else, doing something else, but he had forgotten what it was.
Goku squinted up at the sky and shoved his hands into his pockets. He was pretty sure whatever he had been doing was important, and he was pretty sure he hadn’t meant to end up here, where ever here was. But whenever he tried to grasp at the memories they slipped away, like the fish in the pond when he’d touched it. That too was achingly, frustratingly familiar, the feeling that there was something important he was supposed to remember, but couldn’t. But Goku couldn’t remember anything, let alone why the feeling was familiar.
He dug his toe in the dirt, and looked hopefully up at the sparkling buildings. Someone up there might know what was wrong, what he was forgetting. They might even know how to fix it, and why he thought maybe he’d been in this place before. Goku plodded up the small hill and found the door that led to a deep hallway into the building. He walked down it carefully.
There were people in the building, lots of them, but none of them looked at Goku when he crept through the hall slowly. None of them even glanced at him as he walked, trying to find something that looked even remotely familiar. He had an odd feeling that he was looking for someone, someone he should know here who would help him. He tried to follow that thought, tried to tug it into the open and figure out exactly who he needed, but it was no use. The best he could get was a flash of golden hair, bright as the sun that made his heart stop suddenly, and made him stop breathing.
There was someone, someone he was looking for. Or someone he was waiting for. But it didn’t matter, there was someone. Goku calmed a little, and slowed his step which had become slightly frantic. Surely if there was someone he was looking for, there was someone that was looking for him. They would find him, and it would be all right. Goku relaxed a bit.
Still, he thought, as he looked around the clean white hall with the clean, neat people walking back and forth, he could look for them too. Maybe they would find each other faster that way.
With renewed determination, Goku set off. He didn’t bother to try and figure out where to go, just plodded along and let his feet take him wherever they thought he should go. He knew, he felt, that he had walked these halls before. There was something there that he knew how to find.
There was a flash of something at the edge of his vision, and Goku turned and saw a man walking down the hall. Something surged inside him, a call rising up in his throat before he stopped. He stared at the man. He was tall, with dark, spiky hair, and dark jacket, and a bottle of something slung at his hip. He knew that man. For a minute, he’d almost had it. The words had been on his tongue, he’d almost voiced the man’s name. He’d almost shouted out to him, friendly and familiar, and for a minute Goku could picture the man turning, his easy, casual gait slowing. He could picture the man grinning, and calling back out to him.
But the man was walking away now, and Goku had to run to keep up with him. The man didn’t turn, and Goku realized that his feet didn’t make any sound as they slapped against the stone floor. Still no one looked at him as he ran pell-mell through the neat and tidy halls, and Goku had the sudden feeling that he was watching a dream, or a play, something where no one else could see him or touch him. The thought alarmed him. He needed to find the person he was looking for, and maybe this man could help him, even if he couldn’t talk to him. Maybe the man could lead him somehow. Goku ran faster.
The man reached a door and opened it, sticking his head inside. Goku caught up to him, and slowed until he stopped right behind the man. He wondered why he didn’t just go into the room. When the man finally opened the door, though, Goku could see why. Books spilled over every available surface, blocking the door and covering the floor. The man carefully picked his way in, and Goku hung in the door, puzzled. He’d been here too, he was sure of it. There was someone here, someone Goku dimly remembered as being nice to him. Not the special person he was looking for, but close. He was getting closer.
Goku finally saw the man inside the room, the one the other man was looking for, sprawled at a chair. He had long dark hair and a white coat, and he was busily reading a scroll. He didn’t look up when the spiky-haired-man entered. A cigarette was turning to ash on a forgotten tray beside him. Spiky-hair-man smiled at him at said something, and long-hair-man looked up with an expression on vague surprise and smiled back. They began to talk, but Goku couldn’t understand what they were saying. The words blurred together into something strange and foreign. Goku pulled away in fear and confused, stepping back. He was no closer to finding what he was looking for. They couldn’t help him anyway, Goku knew it somehow.
He stumbled hesitantly out of the room. He didn’t want to leave them, the only things that seemed familiar about this strange place, but he was still looking for something, and it was more important. He walked aimlessly for a while, before heading back to the pool he’d first stood in front of when he’d come, not knowing where else to go.
There was someone in the courtyard. Goku stopped when he saw him, and froze. He didn’t know whether to stay still or run to him, and for a moment he stayed frozen, unsure. The man stood with his back to Goku, but Goku saw the bright golden hair spilling down his back. His heart leap and his soul felt like it was going to burst. It was him. It was the person he was waiting for.
The man turned suddenly. He saw Goku, and smiled faintly. Goku knew his face, and his excitement surged. This was who he had been waiting for.
He fairly ran to the man’s side, and looked up at him. He didn’t know what to say, and no words seemed enough to describe the joy he was feeling. He felt as if, whatever happened after this, it was worth it. This was more than he could have hoped for. The man smiled, and put a hand on his head.
There was another flash, and the gold from the man’s hair seemed to spill out in all directions, covering Goku’s vision with a blinding, but painless light. The man’s form had disappeared, but Goku could still feel him there, could feel his hand on Goku’s head. He knew, all of a sudden. He knew, and all he could think as the light grew brighter and brighter was, You found me. And then it was all gone.
III.
Maybe I’ve been here before
I know this room, I’ve walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah
Reality crashed in, smashing against his brain like the rock he was born from. It hurt so badly he could only stay curled up on the stone floor, afraid to look or speak or move, afraid of setting off another wave of crushing pain. He whimpered in agony and confusion, as new-old knowledge tore through his mind, upsetting everything and turning it all upside down. When the pain finally subsided, he looked up and peered around trying to sort out where he was and why he was somewhere else again without knowing how he got there.
All he could see were bars and stone and a tiny, agonizing patch of sky that hurt so badly because he knew he could only see it and never touch it. He knew where he was, and he knew that this was a place he’d been trapped in a long time ago. But the difference was that this time, he knew. He remembered.
He screamed.
If the loneliness and not-knowing had been terrible before, it was torture now. He knew, he remembered, and for a horrible minute all he could taste was the fear. They were gone, he’d lost them, and he didn’t know if he could go on.
And then he realized he had to go on, that there was no choice. He was in here and he’d stay in here, always and forever, until the stars rained down from the heavens and whatever power had made this prison had vanished. He was here again, and there was no way out, and he knew what he was missing this time. He knew what he had lost, something he’s have given anything, absolutely anything to keep. The last time had been bad, he remembered that now. But his pains had been trivial. He’d been hungry and cold and lonely, yes, so lonely. But he hadn’t understood the meaning of the loneliness, hadn’t really understood that it could be any other way, that this pain could be eased. Now he did. All he could think was that ignorance had been bliss.
Now, he didn’t care about the cold or the gnawing hunger in his stomach. The only thing he cared about was the hunger in his chest, the desperation to get out if only to have what he’d had before.
He screamed and screamed until his throat was raw and he thought it would bleed, and his chest felt so empty he thought it would cave in on itself. He cried bitter tears. He begged for mercy, not knowing who he was speaking to anymore. Fate, the gods, anyone who would listen. He hadn’t meant to do anything wrong, he didn’t, couldn’t deserve this, anything but this. Please. Please.
No one listened. No one responded ever, and he stayed there day after day until the years and seasons blurred together and decades and centuries passed and the earth grew cool and black. Before he slipped into the blackness that awaited him, the cool, soothing embrace of the earth he’d come out of, he gave one final thought.
Please come find me.
IV.
There was a time you let me know
What’s real and going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
I remember when I moved in you
The holy dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah
When he woke it was in a cold dark room. Goku didn’t move at first, just lay still, breathing. The things he had learned, the memories that had exploded in his mind kept him frozen, disoriented. Once again, he didn’t know where he was, or how he’d gotten there, and for a moment that lack of knowledge was almost comforting, reassuring. It was one less thing to know, at least.
His eyes slowly adjusted to the lack of light, and Goku finally saw he was in the bedroom of a small inn. The window was cloaked with a thin, scratchy cloth, but there was sunlight behind it. He was curled on a small bed. The room was otherwise empty. Goku lay still for several seconds, just breathing, not wanting to move. Finally, though, he sat up, still feeling a compulsion to find out where he was. Before he could decide what to do, the door creaked open.
Hakkai stood in the doorway, carrying a small tray. He looked faintly surprised when he saw that Goku was a wake, but his expression soon melted into a smile. “Ah! You’re up? Good!” He walked over to Goku’s bedside and placed the tray on the nightstand before giving Goku a careful, considering look. “How are you feeling?”
Goku didn’t know how to answer that question. He barely knew how to speak to Hakkai, his mind disoriented enough that for a moment he had to think carefully about who was standing in front of him. Was it Ten-chan, the man who had been so kind to him and taught him, supported him even when it had cost him everything? Not quite, no. This was Hakkai, someone different, but still the same.
Goku felt tired, and wanted to close his eyes and sleep, and let his mind quiet. He didn’t know how to deal with the confusion and new thoughts swirling around in his mind, memories appearing as abruptly and painfully as they had disappeared.
“Okay,” he croaked, finally. He didn’t know what else to say. He thought about saying something else to Hakkai, but he couldn’t even wrap his own mind around his current predicament, much less try to put it into words. And the whole thing was so strange and confusing, Goku would have been afraid to ask anyway.
Hakkai looked a bit concerned, but smiled understandingly. “Ah, well. That’s good. Do you remember what happened?”
Goku shook his head. He couldn’t remember if he remembered, too many memories clamoring at the walls of his mind. He didn’t know which were real, couldn’t put them into any sort of order. It was easier to just let Hakkai tell him.
“You remember the youkai we fought? He had some strange powers, a sort of mind control apparently. We’re still not entirely sure, but Sanzo thinks he might have possessed some sort of telepathy. Whatever he did to you made you lose consciousness when you fought him.” Hakkai paused, before smiling a little. “We were really very worried!”
Goku nodded dumbly. It sounded familiar enough, and if he focused he could sift through his memories enough to get a good picture of the fight. The youkai made everything twist around him, and when he’d struck Goku he’d made everything go very light and then very dark.
“Everyone okay?” Goku asked faintly, when he remembered that the others had been there too. Gojyo and Sanzo were there too, not Ken-niichan and Konzen. For a minute Goku had to work hard to pull his memories of them apart and remember that they were individual people, not the same at all.
“Oh, yes, we’re all fine,” Hakkai assured him. “Sanzo was able to use the Maten sutra to defeat him, so everything is all right. We were just concerned about you. Of course, we didn’t know what he might have done to you, or what we could do to fix it. But you’re all right?” He looked at Goku rather critically, and Goku suspected he knew that Goku was holding something back. From his dizzying array of disjointed memories, Goku could extract the knowledge that Hakkai was very perceptive. So was Ten-chan, for that matter. Goku nodded anyway.
“Aa. I’m okay,” he tried to smile a little, to make it more believable, and rubbed the back of his head. “Just kind of took a knock, I guess.” The suspicion didn’t entirely vanish from Hakkai’s eyes, but it lessened, and he smiled at Goku again.
“Well, I’m glad. I’ll tell the others.” He paused, and gestured to the tray he’d brought in. I brought you some dinner. I’m sure you’re hungry.” He gave a little conspiratorial smile. Of course, Goku was always hungry. Except he wasn’t really, not right now.
Goku mustered up a smile anyway. “Thanks, Hakkai.” Hakkai nodded.
“After you eat, maybe you should get some sleep. We’re planning on leaving in the morning, if you’re feeling all right.”
“I’ll be okay,” Goku assured him, reaching to pull the tray onto the bed. “Thanks.” Hakkai nodded again, and left. Goku set the tray down on the bedspread, but didn’t touch it. He felt faintly sick, and definitely not hungry. It wasn’t a feeling he had much experience with. In the cave, he’d always been hungry, and even before that. But thinking too much on those things made his stomach go cold. He felt too full as it was, stuffed to the brim with thoughts and memories he couldn’t make any sense of. For once, Goku longed for a feeling of emptiness.
It almost made him laugh. For so long all he’d wanted was to feel full. It was the sort of thing Sanzo would have said, to be careful for what you wished for because you might get it.
Or was it Konzen who said that? Goku couldn’t remember, and was half-afraid to try. He pushed the tray away and curled on the bad, shutting his eyes tightly. Maybe if he slept, just for a while, it would all be all right when he woke.
V.
Maybe there’s a god above
And all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
And it’s not a cry you can hear at night
It’s not somebody who’s seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah
The next time he woke it was dark out. When he sat up and lifted the edge of the curtain, Goku could see the sky paling slightly with the coming dawn. The mornings in the desert were full of weak, thin light just barely touching the sky, turning it a soft orange. But as soon as the sun rose if grew hot and dusty, sweat making his clothes stick to his skin.
Goku didn’t know what time it was, or how long had passed since he’d fallen asleep. He didn’t even know how much time had passed since the fight. It seemed oddly appropriate that time should be so disordered now.
He felt calmer after he’d slept, though. He’d had long and vivid dreams, the memories seeping into his unconscious mind and controlling his thoughts even as he slept. But it had helped, strangely enough. His mind felt like it had reordered itself, and he could remember things more clearly now. His memories were less disorganized and more linear. It was a small comfort, but it did make things easier.
Goku stretched out on the bed once more, and rested his head on his arm. He could remember things clearly now, but now he had to figure out what he was going to do with his new memories. For so long he’d wanted so badly to remember what he’d lost. Even as he tried not to think about his life before he met Sanzo, when he was still trapped in the cave, he’d craved to know why he’d been there and what had happened before. There was a tremendous hole in his mind, and it ached sometimes. He didn’t know anything about himself. The only thing he knew for sure was that something had come before the cave, something that had been taken away.
Now he had his answer, but he didn’t know if he wanted it anymore. He knew what he had done, and he could remember things with painful clarity. He could smell the blossoms on the trees of heaven, if he focused closely enough. He remembered the juice of stolen fruit, and the way everything was so bright and clean. He remembered making his first friend, someone who was like him. He remembered losing that friend and the way it felt like his heart was being torn from his chest. He remembered blood spilled on white stone floors.
All of that was painful, agonizing, and confusing in its clarity. But it wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was remembering their faces. He could see them, too. He remembered what they looked like, how Ten-chan always smelled of cigarettes and new books, and Ken-niichan of sweat and sake. He had loved them so much, it had felt like they were a part of his soul, and when they’d gone away, he felt like he was split into pieces, never to be made whole unless he was with them again.
But he was in a way, wasn’t he? He didn’t know, and couldn’t quite understand. He could see echoes of Ken-niichan in Gojyo’s smile and the way he teased Goku, Ten-chan in Hakkai’s eyes and patient lessons. They weren’t the same person, that much Goku could be sure about, but that was all he was certain of. The memory of them was hard to pry apart from the people he knew now.
He dimly remembered Sanzo speaking at the temple about reincarnation, people’s souls living through life after life but still carrying certain memories and attributes. Goku wasn’t sure if that was what happened here. He didn’t know anything about things like that. He hadn’t learned anything about the ways of the Gods, even though he lived in heaven first, and a temple later on.
The only thing that mattered to him was that he’d lost the people he cared about. But maybe he’d gotten them back now. He though he might have, anyway. Even if they couldn’t remember anything, even if they weren’t exactly the same, maybe they sort of were.
Goku though he should ask Sanzo about it. Sanzo. Goku bit his lip and closed his eyes. Konzen had been so much like him it hurt to think about it. But it made him feel a slow, warm joy too, because Konzen had cared about him. He knew it. If Konzen had loved him, then maybe Sanzo did too. Sanzo had found him again, at any rate, had saved him twice and was even the one who had given Goku his name. Goku’s heart felt fit to burst at that knowledge. He’d lost Konzen, but Sanzo had returned for him.
Goku sat up suddenly, shuffling his feet off the bed. He wanted to see Sanzo right away, even if he couldn’t put into words why. He hurried over to the door and poked his head out, checking for any sign of where the others might be. There were other rooms near his, but he didn’t think Sanzo was there. He didn’t know why, but he thought he could feel Sanzo, somewhere else. He padded quickly down the halls, still cold from the desert night.
He carefully prodded open what he assumed to be the back door, and found himself upon the back patio of the inn. Sanzo leaned against one of the large posts stretching from floor to roof. He looked over when Goku opened the door. He flickered his eyes away when he saw it was Goku, and began sifting through his robes, apparently looking for cigarettes.
Goku shut the door and leaned against it, somehow both relieved and nervous. He watched Sanzo go through the familiar motions of locating his cigarettes and felt the tension in his chest slowly loosen.
“Hakkai said you were awake,” Sanzo commented offhandedly, not quite looking at Goku. He made a brief impatient sound, still looking for his pack of cigarettes. “You should know better than to try to beat through a force-field like that. You’re lucky that youkai didn’t scramble whatever brains you actually have.”
“Sorry,” Goku said faintly, but couldn’t help staring at Sanzo intently. His face, his hair, the robes. He’d often though Sanzo looked familiar somehow without knowing why. And he’d always been devoted to Sanzo, wanting to thank him and repay him for rescuing him from the cave. Now it seemed like he owed Sanzo more than ever. Something squeezed in his chest, and he couldn’t tell whether it hurt or not.
He had Sanzo, though. He was with him now, and he’d been with Konzen, too. Whatever he’d lost, this was worth it. Sanzo found his pack of cigarettes and looked up, caught Goku staring.
“What do you want, monkey?” Sanzo asked, plucking a cigarette from the box and putting it in his mouth while he searched for his lighter.
Goku stopped and thought about it. After a moment, he couldn’t stop a stupid grin from rising to his face. “Nothing,” he said. And he meant it. He had everything he wanted.
“Tch,” Sanzo muttered, finally locating his lighter and flicking it on. He lit his cigarette and took a drag before glancing over a Goku. He gave Goku an assessing look, for a minute looking briefly concerned before smoothing his expression back into one of indifference. “Go back to bed. And next time don’t charge stupidly into a fight like that.”
It was subtle, but the message was clear enough for Goku to understand. He was still smiling as he said, “Okay,” and turned to head back to his room.
It was okay. He was lucky. He’d lost them, but they’d come back for him, and Goku felt sure that if they needed to, they’d find him again.